Of Mannequins and Military school
by Haurvatat
Summary: -"I blew up one of the Marquesas Islands in the Pacific Ocean, currently owned by France. I told you it wasn’t terribly exciting or elaborate.” 1x2, 3x4, 5x... well, damn. Poor Wuffers never gets any love.
1. Somebody said that it couldn't be done

DISCLAIMER: If I owned anything but this fabulous ass of mine, then 'disclaimer' would be spelled dsklaymur and Swedish would be the national language of the US. Suffice to say, I do not.

* * *

"Military school?!" Duo half-shrieked, keeling over on the floor right then and there. He righted himself quickly as if nothing had happened. "You're kidding right? If this is some sort of elaborate practical joke as punishment, I never bought a word of it. You didn't get me with that one – "

"We're serious."

"… One more time for the deaf?"

You are going to military school, young man. You are NOT going back to that backwater school you learn such behaviour from next week." His mother regarded him with cold eyes. "You may not believe that what you did what that serious, but your father and I both think differently. You have this week off from school to pack."

"NO! I stay right here or else – "

"You are NOT the decision-maker in MY house, you ungrateful, rotten child! Your room!"

"Like I'm really gonna – "

Duo didn't have the chance to argue further. His father, the hulking robot of a man that he was, silently forced him to obey his mother's order and bodily tossed him into his room. Duo dimly heard the soft _click_ of the outside lock turning.

"You pack. No supper."

Duo waited until the footsteps grew faint enough before muttering, "Fine. I'll stuff you all into the most '_backwater'_ nursing home I can find when you're even more old and wrinkly than you already are and then run off with every last penny of your 401k. See if this seems serious enough for godforsaken _military school_ THEN."

"What was that?" Duo cursed quietly.

"I said, 'I don't want any food if you're gonna use a gay word like 'supper'."

* * *

Duo now stood in front of the most depressing little camp-type… _thing_ he had ever seen in his regrettably short life, about to get shorter, as he constantly reminded himself. There were few buildings, but masses of equipment lay strewn about between them, obviously for training or whatever it was that you were really supposed to do at a military school. That led Duo to wonder what the kids did when it rained out. He shivered, knowing the answer to his question already. This was going to be hell.

He had bid goodbye to his parents already, if you call ignoring them completely and walking away from them like you've never seen the people before in your life and really don't care to a goodbye. That left Duo to register and check in on his own, never mind the fact that he hadn't the slightest idea how to do so. But at least delinquents like him had a cool little thing called 'instinct'. For the most part, Duo was always right about any gut feeling he got. Never mind that. He was _always_ right.

That was why he trudged drearily up to an ugly building and opened the door, letting himself in. What do you know, it was the right one. Fancy that.

"Are you Maxwell, Duo?" asked some random woman.

"I might be. 'Pends on who _you_ are."

"Follow me."

"Once again, my obedience 'pends on who you are. Care for an all-around introduction?"

She smiled, almost against her will. Duo decided that she had nice eyes. So why did she cover one up all the way with her bangs hanging all over her face like that? It was a waste of a teensy-tinsy bit of pretty in an annoyingly bland place like this. "My name's Noin."

"A first or last name?"

"'Pends on who's asking." She raised one eyebrow teasingly. Duo couldn't suppress a tiny chuckle. She looked fun at least. "Okay, we're here. You need to speak to this guy with a lot more respect if you want to make it through this alive, Maxwell."

"It's just Duo, Noin. And I'll see what I can do." Duo reached up and removed his baseball cap, a gesture of respect in every country but for a few. Noin smiled at him and stepped forward to open the door.

"Commander Trieze? The new arrival, Duo Maxwell is here, sir."

"Welcome. Please, take a seat, young man."

"Thank you, sir. Your kindness is most appreciated." Noin almost gave the boy a strange look but decided against it at the last minute. Surely there had to be _some_ reason or another for the boy to adopt a heavy Scottish accent in the space of three seconds.

"Scottish?" asked Trieze, lifting an eyebrow.

"Yes, sir." Duo scanned Trieze absently, noting that this guy must think himself fairly important. Manicured nails, styled hair, the whole nine yards. Duo automatically decided that the man was tolerable, but he couldn't help the feeling of dislike.

"Your parents didn't have accents of any sort when they called me. Are you faking it? We do not tolerate any such jokes here."

Duo sighed slightly. "I play no such jokes here, sir. I am well aware of my position. You see, my parents have much thicker accents than I. They often request the assistance of their friends or coworkers when they need to speak on the phone. When we first came to America, several misunderstandings occurred because of our accents over the phone. Perhaps you had noticed that the voices you heard seemed oddly indifferent to the situation?" Duo gave his best cutesy look. Adults tended to fall prey to it time and again.

"You are quite right; I thought that they were just cruel parents at first," Treize admitted. "My apologies."

"I see nothing to forgive you for, sir," Duo said semi-honestly. Noin was rubbing a temple, a headache clearly coming on fast.

"You will be bunking with the bunks in the 23rd block. We expect no problems from there; they are all good boys and will not haze you, as other boys are wont to do. Noin here will be in charge of your block, along with a few others. Try not to trouble her too much, but remember that she _is_ there to ensure your overall well-being. I hope your stay with us will not be… _too_ horrid."

"I appreciate it, sir." Duo recognized a dismissal and stood to leave.

As the door shut behind them, Noin clapped him on the shoulder. "What the hell was _that_ about?"

Duo grinned. "Fun, that's what it was. Nice, huh? I'll be doing that for the first couple months to every officer. Unfortunately, I kinda forgot to do the accent when I first walked in here, so you'll have to be an exception to my _de_ception." Duo wiggled his eyebrows, the accent gone completely.

"Nice accent, though. I almost believed it myself."

"Thanks."

"23rd block. Treize must either like you or hate your guts." Noin sighed.

"Eh? But I thought he said – "

"Yeah, these guys are better with hazing problems, but their – erm, personalities, I guess? Uh, why don't we just introduce you to your hell face-to-face, 'kay?" Noin fingered her hair, an expression of vague pity on her face.

"Noin, _what the hell is wrong with the guys in the 23__rd_?" Duo asked, fearing for his life already.

She avoided his eyes.

* * *

"And this would be Duo Maxwell. I want everyone to treat him with respect and, hopefully, that will entail not killing him. 'Kay?"

Every person in the room, all four of them, saluted stiffly. Duo curtsied. Noin slapped herself in the forehead.

"Hey, Duo. With your long hair and everything, that wouldn't be the best idea. Curtsies are feminine, and… er…" Noin muttered.

"Oh, no troubles there. I'm cute." Noin slapped herself in the face again. "Hey, Noin? You keep doing that and it'll leave a mark."

The other boys exchanged looks at how informally the newcomer already spoke with their fearsome dorm leader, not to mention how accepted it was by the woman herself.

"Alright, Duo. Just call me up if you have any problems." She smiled, then swooped in with serious eyes. "I'm dead serious, these guys will _kill_ you or drive you insane. Call me if you need _any_ help," she whispered.

"No sweat, Noin. 'S'all good. I won't need to call you for anything, trust me." The smile never faltered. Noin just looked worried.

"Fine, if you really feel that you'll be fine. I suppose I'll see you around."

As Noin left the room, the boys stood frozen. Then, as one, they all turned to look at Duo. Trowa walked forward slightly, the little blonde growth (whose name was _Quatre_, Duo reminded himself) hanging on his arm every step of the way.

"Hey, man." Trowa smiled guiltily. "Was hoping that I'd never get to see you here."

Duo shook his head, still smiling. "Yeah. Wasn't really planning on it myself."

"Your parents or the law?"

"Neither. Parent. Singular."

"Your Ma?"

"Uh-huh."

"Bitch."

"Uh-huh."

"Okay, someone care to explain how the hell you two know each other?" The Chinese boy (Wufei? Yeah, that sounded about right. Or maybe it was Ku fei or something…) glared over at them. Duo internally winced at how tight this kid's hair was pulled back. It must've reflected how tightly that stick was wedged up his-

"We're here for the same reason," Trowa said. "We used to be friends. I'd like to think we still are?"

"Yeah, man! Of course we are!"

"But I got you caught –"

"No, you didn't. I was the one who convinced you to do it in the first place." Duo looked a bit guilty as he glanced to the side. "'Sides, I mean, I wasn't even around to help you take the heat when the cops found you."

"I told you to leave to get the ketchup, so it's not your fault you weren't there."

Everyone seemed to be getting really curious right about then. Wufei and Quatre sort of had shocked expressions, glancing from side to side, not really sure what to think. The boy that had been introduced as Hiro Yui[A/N- Yeah. This is probably closer to the actual romanji. The US had an irritating habit of dumbing stuff down for us in the 90s. Sorry for explodey brains. just stood in the corner emotionless. His face was vaguely irritating when it just didn't move like that. Strangely enough, it was Hiro who interrupted next.

"Would the both of you hurry a little to get the whole story out? I don't particularly care, but Quatre and Wufei will automatically assume the worst if you don't get their heads all sorted out now." Wufei shot the boy a hateful glare. It was clear that he didn't appreciate being spoken about as though he were a three year old in need of babysitting.

Trowa smiled gently, but it was barely seen next to Duo's massive grin. "Ooh, this is gonna be good. All right guys, we'll tell, but only because it was asked of us. Don't bother sitting down, it's not too long of a story to tell," said Duo. "Consider it your introduction to me.

"Okay, it was a dark and stormy night –"

"It was a warm and beautiful morning, Duo."

"Oh, shove it. Let me tell, 'kay? All right. It was a dark and… vaguely nice morning, just before dawn, when the idea hit me. It was the best of the best of the best pranks, amazing singularly because I am the one who thought it up."

"He's modest, too. Can you tell?" Trowa asked Quatre quietly. The blonde boy chuckled, trying to smother the noise with a cough.

"My idea went as follows: Trowa, my wonderful and ever-faithful friend who happened to be particularly gullible would accompany me on an expedition to Times Square to carry out a secret mission before anyone woke. We would embark at the wee hours of the morning that no sane person would dare venture onto the streets at. But our valor prevailed!"

"Jesus Christ, it'll take forever if we let Duo tell it. Everyone, we stole mannequins from every store we could find and set them all up in Times Square in rather compromising positions with each other. We also rigged speakers into the mannequins and programmed them to play a bad recording of Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang for thirteen hours straight, or until someone whacked them hard enough with something blunt and heavy. Or shot them. Shooting works just as well," Trowa said.

Duo glared. "Tro'! Dammit, man, _I_ wanted to tell it!"

"We would've been here all night," Trowa pointed out.

"That's what makes it fun, buddy 'ol pal of mine," Duo grumbled sardonically.

"So what was that part about ketchup?" Quatre asked, confused.

"Oh yeah," muttered Duo. "You know that one line in Bad Touch that reads, 'want you smothered, want you covered, like my Waffle House hash browns'?"

Multiple people exchanged looks.

"Stupid as this is gonna sound, what do you put on hash browns?"

"That really is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard."

"It was THREE O CLOCK IN THE MORNING!! THINGS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO MAKE SENSE," Duo growled. "But either way, I left to get the ketchup and Tro' got busted while I was gone. When I came back, there was suspicion, but nobody could prove that I'd had any part in it. Thank God that Tro' didn't squeal on me or I'd be in juvie, not this place. My parents knew that Tro' was a fairly good kid – when I was nowhere near him. So they got the idea in their heads – and when I say that I mean my _mother_ got an idea in _her_ head – that I'd come up with the whole plan. Ma also knew that I was the only one out of the two of us who could've picked the locks on the department stores. Ma knew I'd had a definite part in it, so she stuffed me in here to, ah, _discipline_ me." Both Duo and Trowa chuckled quietly at that. "Alright. Now that I've shared, everyone else share. What'd you do to get sent here, of all places?"

Quatre straightened a little. "I'm a prince of a neighbouring kingdom. It's not an astoundingly _large_ country, but all the same, we have a military. I need to understand the ethics of such a military if I am to rule efficiently." Everyone gave him weird looks. Did that mean he came here _willingly_? How many kids actually wanted to go to military school? "Well, that and it's a family tradition. Had to go." Okay, _that_ made more sense.

"What about you, Wufei?" asked Duo.

All eyes turned to him. Wufei turned red a little and turned his head away quickly. "Ah, it's a family tradition for me, too. Nothing interesting."

Trowa chuckled and shook his head. He turned to Duo and muttered, "I know that's not it, but the guy never is going to tell me. You might have better luck getting the real story out of him, though."

"I accept this mission," said Duo, mimicking a salute. Then Duo remembered exactly where he was and cringed at the irony.

"What about Hiro?"

The boy in question's head lifted slowly at the mention of his name.

"Huh, come to think of it, I never even asked Hiro what _he_ did. I think I was too scared of him to ask," Trowa murmured.

"For shame, dude. So, Hiro? What'dja do?"

Hiro looked up, as bland-looking as he had since the instant that Duo had walked into the room.

"It's not really that interesting."

"Told you he wouldn't want to say," muttered Trowa. Quatre gave a remorseful nod of agreement.

"But I insist."

Hiro paused. He let out an emotionless sigh and settled into a more comfortable position on the wall. "Alright. It's not a very good story, but here it is. I blew up one of the Marquesas islands in the Pacific Ocean, currently owned by France. I told you it wasn't terribly exciting or elaborate."

"You… blew up an _ISLAND_??"

"In the Pacific."

"Owned by France?!"

"Yes."

"…Holy hell," whispered Wufei, ignoring his own oxymoron, his face paler than before.

"I consider myself lucky that France didn't declare war on my country," Hiro remarked.

Duo snorted. "You wouldn't have to worry about that anyway. The only war the French ever won was when they fought against themselves."

"Ouch," winced Quatre sympathetically.

"That's not the point!" yelped Wufei. "You _blew up_ a Pacific Island?! _How_ exactly does one go about _blowing up_ a frickin' _ISLAND??_"

"I'd rather not say," said Hiro.

"I'm scared of him on an all new level now," said Trowa.

"Me, I've just got this 'respect' thing going on," said Duo. "It's kind of weird; I don't respect a lot of people."

"We noticed, said Wufei. "Since when does Ms. Noin let _anyone_ refer to her without some honorific of sorts?"

Duo looked at the other boy, puzzled. "You mean she's uptight?"

"Like you wouldn't believe. She doesn't like this block in particular, either, so she's extra uptight about _us_."

"Weird. She was really nice to me and even let me get away with a little… prank, of sorts, in Treize's office." The boy's eyes widened.

"What did you _do_?" asked Trowa in a motherly, scolding tone.

"I just made him think that I'm Scottish. Heavy accent and everything. I'll be like that around all of the teachers for a while, save Noin, so now you know why."

"Really?" Trowa looked mildly interested.

"As advertised," Duo said, hand over heart.

"But one more thing before you crash for the night."

"Hmm? Whazzat?"

"You kind of need to know where you're rooming. You know, where your _bed_ is."

"Oh. That might be vaguely convenient, knowing where my bed is." Duo nodded.

Trowa looked awkward. "Um, right. Okay, since the rooms are divvied up into two beds each, you'll have a roommate."

"Nifty."

"Yeah, that roommate is Master Combustible-Island over there. Sleep well!"

* * *

I'm part French, part Portugese(sp?), so I can totally get away with that line about the French. You, however, unless you are one too, cannot. Nyaha.

But please, by all means, review. BY GOD, please review. Hated it? Love it? Don't give a rat's arse? REVIEW. It makes everything better. except chocoloate. 'Cause dudes, there is NOTHING that can improve chocolate. That, and Rupert Grint's line about tap-dancing spiders in that one Harry Potter movie. You can't get better than that.


	2. And he with a chuckle replied

Heya peoples! This is Bizie ( - a mutilated version of mah real name) and I have a new chapter up! Go me. I just wanted to tell people that Trowa, having grown up with Duo in this AU, is pretty OOC. In here, he's going to be the sort of slightly gullible friend character. You'll still see the stiff, personality-less him show through sometimes, tho'. Let's face it, dears. He _has _no personality.

DISCLAIMER: If I owned Gundam, then there wouldn't be a need to come up with something witty for an effing disclaimer.

* * *

Duo turned away from the wall to look at the back of the boy sleeping in the bed across from him. He seriously doubted that Hiro was sleeping, but it was hard to tell with the lights off. Duo sent a glare at him for no apparent reason, other than perhaps existing.

_Why couldn't I have roomed with Trowa?_ He thought. It was seriously messed up. He had been Trowa's best friend for years, and who got to room with him? The little blonde leech of a princeling from some weird, tiny country out in the middle of bufu. Duo was a little miffed. Anyone would be if they were forced to stay, alone, in the same room with a guy who exploded islands.

Duo frowned. Was this guy actually asleep? He pushed his foot out from under the covers, which were rather coarse to the touch. No movement. Duo raised one eyebrow and stuck out his other foot. Nothing. Both knees. Nada. Both feet on the cold floor. Zip. Fully Standing. Zero. Duo grinned. Even if Hiro _was_ awake, he clearly wasn't going to stop Duo from doing as he pleased. And right now, not much would make him happier than getting the hell out of the room. He raced out of the room, having mastered the art of silent movement at the tender age of two, upon learning that Mum's M&M's were open to the public as long as the public was quiet enough.

Expounding upon that theory, Duo rewarded himself for his efforts with the small bag of chocolates that he had had back at home, stashed away in his room.

_No TV_, he thought sadly, looking around for some other form of entertainment.

He found it.

"Tro'?"

"Huh, what?" the brunette's head jerked up, revealing what he had been doing: an open sketchbook lay on his lap with something or other drawn on it. Trowa's pencil had fallen to the threadbare floor.

"Can you not sleep, or what?" Duo padded over to Trowa's chair, fetching the mechanical pencil on the way.

"Thanks," he said, taking the pencil, "and I always do this. I'll get tired eventually and head to bed. Sort of like poser insomnia."

"Really? So I'm guessing you have a lot of stuff in that sketchbook?" Duo leaned forward quickly, trying to claim it, but Trowa knew him well enough to know what he was planning.

"Man! I'm not going to let you _look_, what are you, insane?"

"Well, I don't see why the hell not," Duo drawled.

"They suck, and I just don't want anyone to see them. I only draw because I'm bored, anyway."

"Then if you don't care about drawing so much, then you should let me _look_." They took turns trying to stare the other down. Eventually, Trowa gave in and handed over the book. Duo took it eagerly, staring at the fresh sketch.

"Daaaaamn, man. If I could draw like- like… Well, I don't know, but I'd be hella happier for it. Snap. Wait a sec, is that…?" Duo's head shot up, his face trying to decide whether to go white or blush red.

Trowa fidgeted for an instant, then nodded.

Duo burst out laughing. "Holy fuck!" he howled. "You drew Quatre in a _magical girl costume?"_

Trowa laughed a little too. "I know, I couldn't resist – I mean, he looks so much like a girl already, I just…"

"Oh, man! That's rich."

"Really."

Once both boys managed to stop laughing, they looked up at each other. They were both silent for so long. Duo wasn't a pensive person, at least, not even close to the degree at which Trowa was, but yet silence reigned, He, in response to his nature, attempted to break the silence.

"So you're drawing Quat? Are you straying from the glorious path of the heterosexuals so soon?"

"Duo…"

"Umm… yeah? What?"

"I really wanted to tell you…"

"Yeah, yeah, I know already, it's okay-"

"…that I don't blame you."

Duo stared at his friend. "…I'm sorry, what?"

"I don't blame you."

Duo had a bad habit of becoming very quiet and shrinking into his shoulders when he was feeling guilty or withdrawn. "You really don't blame me? But man, I gave you every reason to hate my guts. I mean, I got you stuck here – "

"It's okay, trust me. I said I don't blame you."

"I gave you _every reason_ – "

"Yes, yes you did. I have every reason to hate you, but I don't. Weird, huh? But don't bring this up again. I said I don't blame you about 5 times now, and I'm getting a bit tired of you not believing me."

Duo smiled gently. "Thanks." He'd probably be able to sleep now, even with Hiro in the room.

* * *

ZsdLJfo'agjbsdfuigfpb;avg!!!!!!!11!!1

"HOLYMOTHERFUCKERBLOODYMUFFINS!!!"

"Yeesh, good morning to you too," Trowa's muffled voice muttered from somewhere outside of the room. Duo looked around with still half-asleep eyes that demanded to know the source of the evil death noise that had nearly given him a heart attack at… his eyes found the digital clock… _5 a-fucking-m_.

Duo finally managed to focus his eyes long enough to see the cause of the screech of death. Hiro was standing there, fully dressed, with a piece of toast in one hand and a large… pink… Duo's eyes shot open. That… was a large, hot pink, _bicycle horn_. Right next to his _ear_.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Yui?"

"It's already 5. It's well after time to get up. Be glad that I didn't wake you up sooner." Duo knew in that sentence alone that Hiro Yui was an asshole.

"You might've been out like a rock, but _I_ only got to sleep at around 1 in the morning," Duo said.

"Sounds like a personal problem to me," Hiro commented, moving to bite into his toast. Duo's hand shot out and snatched it away.

"A warning, Yui," Duo said, biting into Hiro's toast, "I am a venshful beasht in da m'rning." Hiro just gave him an evil look and went to get more toast, hopefully, a piece that did not have Duo-germs on it.

* * *

"Well, you fops, this is your first class of the morning. Statistics, Finances, and Economics in general. This class is about MONEY, bitches, not that any of you will actually _see _any in the near future. Now that I've translated the curriculum into idiot, you'll be assigned your seats. I wanna know where every last one of you is seated so I know exactly who it is who's been stickin' gum on the undersides of my precious seats and desks," said Professor Campbell Lane.

"Oh my God," whispered Duo. "He sounds like a real cultured guy until he starts calling you a fop."

Trowa and Quatre smiled slightly, trying not to laugh.

"BARTON! Since you clearly find something funny, you'll be sitting here up front behind Anderson and Ayot!" Trowa paled and started forward, his face now emotionless and bland. Quatre's face also paled.

"Oh no," he muttered.

"Ara? What's wrong?"

"Anderson, then Ayot, and then Barton? He's going in alphabetical order. Wufei and Trowa will end up sitting nearby one another, as will Hiro and I. But you'll be smack-dab in the middle. You won't be sitting near _any _of us." Duo's eyes widened slightly. He was right. 'M' for Maxwell was right in the middle.

"Chang! You sit after Barton. If I see you two talking, there'll be hell to pay."

"Understood, sir."

Professor Lane continued up to… and past the M's?! Duo still hadn't been called to sit down. Duo was afraid that he wasn't going to be seated. Hiro's name was called, and Duo was the last person standing, other than Chris Zedenick.

"Maxwell! You're sitting behind Yui! And Zedenick, you're behind him!" Duo blinked in shock, exchanging glances with Quatre. Duo wasn't sure if this was a good thing or a good thing. On one hand, he was sitting near two people he knew and one of them as a very nice person. On the other hand, he was still nearby Hiro. And Hiro… was Hiro. There wasn't much a person could do to change that. Duo still trotted over mechanically to his seat and sat down.

"Okay, dears, let's get started on your bloody lessons. Maxwell, since we're already halfway into the semester, get your notes from Yui. You'll be tested on them in a week."

Duo nodded uncomfortably. Hiro chucked a huge packet of notes at Duo's head without even looking behind him.

"Thanks," he muttered. At least none of the pages had flown away.

After class, Duo adjusted his voice and walked up to the teacher nervously.

"Sir?"

"Hmm? What do you need, Maxwell?"

"Sir, I couldn't help but notice that I was the only one in the entire class that wasn't placed according to last name, and I-"

"Ah, so you noticed that? Good for you. See, since you're about as raw as the lettuce I have for lunch today, I figured you'd need to be sitting around those who you know, to some extent. Yui is the most brilliant student we've ever had, but then, I suppose that if you're knowledgeable enough to blow up an entire island, then you must have _some _sense. I put you near him in particular because he can help you get through the rest of the semester. Also, Quatre's down that way. He's nice, but also will never talk to you in class. It's his way of providing support without doing a damn thing. I don't want to put you down with Barton and Chang, though." He shook his head sadly. "Barton's got a bit of a mouth on him when it comes to folks he knows."

Duo smiled. That sounded about right for Trowa.

"And by the way Maxwell, you can quit with the fake Scottish accent in this class."

Duo paled, but obeyed. "So… so how did you…?"

"My Mum was born and raised in England. Since Ireland, Scotland, and England are all right there, we visit all three countries when we visit her family. You're slipping into Irish half the time, but otherwise, your accent is perfect. Try to work on that."

"I will, sir." Duo grinned. "Oh yeah, and why do you call everyone by their last names except for Quatre? Don't think I didn't notice that."

Professor lane just laughed. "You'll be a good student. See, everyone that I refer to by their last name has done something less than socially accepted to end up here, you see? Quatre came here practically of his own free will, so I treat him more like a human being."

"Lemme guess, that, and he's just too adorable?" Duo gave a wolfish grin that looked utterly evil and scampered out of the room, leaving behind a very red Professor.

* * *

"… And would you believe it, he just runs off! I have no idea how to teach a kid like that," Lane finished, falling back into the chair that was there especially for him in the teacher's lounge.

"Ha! I got that impression, too," Noin grinned. "Hell, I'm the first one he saw here! I can't believe he stayed true and remembered to do the accent, though…"

"You mean you knew beforehand?"

"Oh, absolutely! He put it on fro Trieze first! I was _standing right there_. The kid had been speaking in perfectly normal American-style speech one instant, and the next, he's a friggin' _Scottish gentleman_. Like I'm going to let that slip by with no explanation?"

"True, true." Lane sipped at the pomegranate juice he'd stolen from the refrigerator. Judging by the name written in bold, slashing script on the side on the bottle, it belonged to the crazy emotional trainer, Une. Neither one particularly cared that she was being ousted of her juice.

"So…"

"Yeah."

"Lane… do you think he'll survive?"

"He's strong enough, but I don't know anything about him personally. I mean, I've barely even scraped the surface of him. He's shown two exteriors interchangeably, which forces me to believe that anything could be a mask. From what I was told, and from my own inferences, he used the Scottish accent thing to cover up for his parents' apathy in the general area of his well-being. Either that, or it was just fun and he used his parents in the equation for the hell of it. If it were the first, then he is probably very fragile on the inside, and has to cover up for that. His parents must've treated him like shit if that's the case. Any kid would be hurt somehow by that. The latter… his parents are apathetic bitches who neglect their son, save to punish him. Either way, his parents are a large problem. Anyone with parents like that, anyone with problems so intertwined with their lives and personal growth, will not be in the best possible condition to handle absolutely everything thrown their way. Everyone breaks sooner or later. It's just the way things are. At least it's better than the soft-hands, never-done-work-a-day-in-their-life, good-for-nothing folks who come in here that snap like twigs the instant they get to deal with _real_ work…"

"Jesus, Lane, I didn't ask for a bloody speech. Why can't you ever just give a one-word answer? And don't get philosophical on me again. It's weird. You sound like a narrator for some discovery channel thing, y'know."

"Well, Noin-my-dear, moral questions rarely have one word answers. However, this one does; yes. I think he'll survive. He's strong enough, and surrounded by those who are just as strong as him. He'll be fine. Military school is easy for someone like him."

"Thirty."

"Thirty-what?"

"You took thirty words to say your so-called one-word answer."

* * *

"Trowa."

"Hmm?"

"Trowa, I have a fabulous idea and we need to do it now.

"… Oh god, please tell me you're sober."

"I am now," Duo grinned, "but I won't be later, so tell me important stuff now."

"Shit."

"Okay, now let's go."

"Fine, fine. You're an evil fucker, you know that?"

"Yes. Yes, I do. Yes, I am."

* * *

Nyaha! I finished this chapter! YAAAAY! I'm really happy. I seriously thought that it was never gonna happen. It was so hard to write out all the classroom stuff. I had NO IDEA what to do for those. I really don't know how to write them, not even now. I just sort of planned to make them a bit like my teachers, but then I remembered. This is MILITARY SCHOOL. It won't _be _like regular school. Alas, I just had to give my nod to Campbell Lane. He's the narrator (in English) for the Gundam series, so, yeah. I love him so. He'll be back.

I realized now that I have not credited my dear sister Kateavalanche nearly as much as I should have. Damn. Well, here's her crediting thing. GO READ HER STUFF. LIKE NOW.

Okay, now that that's taken care of.

REVIEW.

The next chapter will be out sooner, just so you know. It'll be easier to write because - oh my! – I have _actually planned out what's supposed to happen._ Holy crap. Me? No waaaay…

Still, REVIEW.

SHINY PERIWINKLE BUTTON.

NOOOOOOOOOW.

INFIDELS.


	3. That mayB it couldnt but he would be one

WHAT IS THIIIIIIIS? Well, I'll be. It's the second chapter in one week. Holy shit. I'm gonna have so much fun with this one, particularly with reactions. By the way, this isn't going to be too long of a fic. After all, I can't really keep things going for too long, y'know? Just know that I'll do all I can to keep it going for as long as I can without my writing turning to a gross pile of… you know what? Let's drop it.

DISCLAIMER: Guess what! No, I really don't know either. Maybe it has something to do with not owning Gundam characters- ha! As if. That can't be it. I'll have to keep thinking…

* * *

Hiro heard the quiet exchange in Trowa's room. He had, in all reality, followed Duo the second he'd left the room. When someone leaves their room two nights in a row, they're usually pegged as trouble-makers. Or, at least, they were in Hiro's eyes. So he had followed, perhaps to stop Duo from doing anything remarkably stupid that would probably get Hiro knee-deep in crap. Yeah, that was all he was doing. Just looking out for Number 1.

Dammit. He couldn't even lie internally. Something about Duo was seriously intriguing, and every single person on the planet would happily admit it. Hiro would, as well. Just not to Duo personally. He couldn't help the feeling that Duo disliked him. It probably had something to do with his whole strict-military behaviour. It had driven people away before. It wasn't Hiro's fault. Seriously, he just didn't have the slightest idea how to deal with real humans anymore. He was sure that he'd known at one point, blown up an island, got shipped off to military school (the courts could hardly send a 6-year-old to juvie) and _that _fond dream had been tossed clean out the window. Dammit.

He caught a word or two. Something about 'sober' and '-fucker, you know that?' He rolled his eyes. He couldn't hear anything that Duo said, unfortunately. He also couldn't peer around the doorway to read his lips. Trowa would've seen him straightaway, and that was a less-than-desirable outcome.

Oh, crap, the targets were moving. Wait, targets? When was Trowa added into the equation?

"I can't believe you suckered me into this."

"You don't even know what it is that you've been suckered into yet! Just wait; the fun has just begun!"

"Oh… for the love of…"

"It won't be that bad, man. When have I ever had an idea that is anything less than brilliant?"

Trowa sighed and looked at him pointedly.

"… Hey, the mannequin thing was brill. I don't know _what_ you're talking about. That we got caught was the only less-than-fabulous part."

"I'm sure."

"Stop lifting one eyebrow like that. It wierds me out."

"Fine, fine. So where are we going?"

"Shh! We're going to go to..."

Hiro strained to hear them. Dammit all, Duo was too quiet. From the reflections off of Hiro's mirror, he was also occasionally using hand signals instead of words. They weren't normal sign language, though. It was some weird thing that had probably been fabricated for this very purpose. Even if someone had managed to eavesdrop, there was no way that they'd be able to catch the whole conversation.

"What're they saying?" whispered a voice behind Hiro.

He turned to look at Quatre, a finger over his lips. Quatre got the hint and shut up. Hiro jerked his head at Duo and Trowa and shook his shoulders. Quatre looked perplexed, and not a little worried.

And suddenly, they were moving. Hiro waved Quatre over to follow. They were heading out the back door. Shit. But at least they could speak now. Hiro's legs had begun cramping up.

"What do you think that was?"

"I think it was Duo's idea, whatever it was." Quatre considered the overwhelming possibility and nodded. It sounded about right.

"So should we follow?"

"Probably. He's probably going to get Trowa into trouble, looking back on their history. If we're there, too, maybe we'll be able to keep the damage to a minimum."

Quatre nodded and went over to the back door. He opened it just the barest, teeny little crack, squeaked, and jumped back.

"Oh, what now?" Quatre just pointed at the door. It slowly was pushed in from the outside to reveal –

Hiro winced.

"Hey, guys, if you wanted to come along, all you had to do was ask us."

"So you knew we were there the whole time," Hiro said.

"Yep."

"So _that _was why you were using signing. I was wondering about that," Trowa said.

"Well, wonder no more. Sorry about giving you the scare, there, Quatre."

Quatre just looked around, seeming terribly confuzzled.

Wufei stumbled out of his room, a single, wearing a face to match Quatre's. "What? Wha happened?"

"Hey, Wuffers! We're kidnapping you!"

"WHAT?!"

Wufei didn't know exactly what was happening, or where he was being taken. All he knew was the he was_ not happy_. That, and it was cold as hell.

The night air was unusually crisp and dry, but Duo yanked them all out into it anyway. He breathed in the outdoor air as if it were the sweetest thing he had ever tasted in his life. "It's the perfect night. And wow… look at how bright the stars are!"

"Duo, go all queer over nature later; we need to focus on not getting caught right about now."

"…Oh yeah…"

"Yeah, 'oh yeah' is right. Actually, can you just tell us where you're dragging us off to?" Duo looked shocked at the suggestion, shrugging off Trowa's hand.

"Oh, heavens, no! I HAVE to keep it a surprise! What's the point if it's not a _surprise_?"

Hiro walked up to stand behind Trowa. He leaned over and asked, "And you lived in the same vicinity as this person since infancy?"

Trowa laughed a little, and then ran to catch up with Duo and his unfortunate burdens: Quatre and a half-dead Wufei.

"Duo, are you sure that there's something around here to see? I mean, supposedly, we're in the middle of nowhere! They don't want the bad kids running away, or even the good kids that decide that they just can't keep up with the curriculum. So, is there even anything out here?" Trowa said.

"Of course there is," Duo replied with a grin. "See, when I was coming over here, I could see a few small buildings not too far from here. They couldn't fool me."

"Fool you?" inquired Hiro.

"All the buildings were covered with some weird kind of tarp or whatever that acted as camouflage. It didn't work on these eyes of mine."

"Uh, hello? I'm awake now. I can walk on my own two feet now," Wufei's voice said from below.

"Sorry, Wuffers." Wufei glared, but let him get away with it.

"Duo, are those them, over there?"

"Yeah! Hey, Yui – er, Hiro, I guess – you're kind of sharp!"

Quatre, still being towed and not complaining, and Trowa exchanged glances. Since when was Hiro so willing to be on first-name terms with a person who he had met barely a day ago? From their limited experience, it was completely out of character. They didn't have enough time to communicate using eyebrows and facial expression alone, though, seeing as Duo and Wufei were hurrying over to the cluster of buildings. Hiro was just walking quickly to keep up the pace.

Duo quickly found what he was looking for amongst the buildings. All the others hurried in, but Wufei stopped dead outside of the door, staring in utter shock at the building's name. Okay, that was it. He needed to have a little chat with Duo about the places he considered 'fun'.

There _had _to be something wrong with that boy to choose a place like this.

Swallowing, Wufei pushed open the doors and went in after his friends. He saw them clearly, seeing as they were all standing perfectly still jaws slack.

"Umm, Duo?"

"Hmm? Whatcha got, Tro'?"

"This place appears to be a gay bar."

"Wow. You're good."

"Why are we in a gay bar?"

Duo sighed dramatically. "Ah, youth. So closed-minded to the ways of the homo. Why, back in _my _day…"

"Duo, that's not it! Ah, er, um… I just… don't feel comfortable being here. We're the only ones here our age, and there could be rapists or molesters around, and really it's not the fact that we're in a _gay _bar as just in a _bar_ – I'd be uncomfortable in ANY bar, seriously –"

"So you're a alcohol virgin! How sweet," Duo gushed.

Quatre stepped up to the bartender. "Lime margarita? It'd rock."

"You got it, kid."

"Tamagozake, please."

"Hiro!"

"Adios Motherfucker, please."

"DUO?!"

"Hey! It's a variation of Long Island Iced Tea, what's wrong with that?"

Quatre came to his rescue, sort of. "He's not kidding. It's made with gin, rum, vodka, Blue Curacao, and Sprite."

"Holy crap, that's a lot of alcohol."

"I have very high tolerance."

"Duo! That's not good! You're gonna be an alcoholic by the time you reach your twenties!"

"Nuh-uh! I was born like this." Duo gestured to himself.

"You mean chugging gin, rum, vodka, Blue Curacao, and Sprite?"

"Yes. Wait, no! Shit," he said.

Wufei slapped his forehead. At this rate, _he _was going to need a drink.

_Hell, y'know what?_ "Bitchin Scorpion, please."

"Oh, my dear sweet god, Wufei's been corrupted." Trowa looked ready to give in. Everyone had ordered something already but him.

"So, ah, you. You with the hair over your eye."

"Huh?"

"Are you going to order something?"

"I'm the designated driver."

The bartender was looking at him with a look that said, "You don't look old enough to be drinking, let alone driving, kid…"

"Just a mixer, then?"

"Sure, why the hell not?" Trowa sat down and dropped his forehead into his palm. Tonight was going to be a long one.

* * *

"I LOVE ETHANOL!!!"

"That's not the _only_ thing you're on right now!"

"Srsly, dude. Siddown." Hic

"OMG!"

Headdesk

"Hey! Quat, Tro', do you two _luuurve_ each _oooother_…? I notice these – hic – things, y'know."

Quatre and Trowa were easily sober enough to be embarrassed, but Hiro had gotten different types of drinks all through the night, and was now almost as silly as Duo was normally. The difference was astounding, as could be seen from the question that had just been voiced.

Wufei opened his hand, palm up, to Trowa, smiling smugly. Trowa handed over bills, frowning miserably.

"Huh? What's that for?"

"Oh, the money?" Wufei grinned wolfishly, his teeth showing evidence of the Tabasco in his drink. "See, we made bets when we first got in here as to what kind of drunks you all would be. I believed that Hiro would be a funny drunk, that Duo would be a weepy drunk, and that you'd be a mellow drunk, Quatre."

"Oh…"

"And I lost in the realm of Hiro. I thought he'd be the angry type," Trowa moaned, counting bills into Wufei's hand.

"So did I," Quatre said.

"I knew that Duo would never be a weepy drunk, though. I've known him long enough."

"So… what type _is_ he?" Quatre asked. "I can't tell if he's drunk yet or not, and he ordered the drink with the most alcohol in the first place."

He was right. Duo's demeanor had scarcely changed since he had walked into the bar in the first place. Maybe he was shitfaced, maybe sober still. There was no way to tell.

"Hey, kid."

"Huh?" Duo turned around in his little spinny barstool.

"Hey. I just wanted to know if you were – ah, planning – anything for tonight?"

Duo made an apprehensive face.

"Ah, listen, sir, I'm not really into older people, so –"

"You _sure_, kid? Think REAL hard." The man found himself with a knife pressed to his jugular, and a decidedly pissed-looking boy giving him the most terrifying fucking DeathGlare that had ever been seen in the history of the world.

Hiro hissed in a voice that came from Hell itself, "Back off, fucker. He's MINE."

Evidently, Duo was not worth dying a painful and bloody death over. The man left quickly, rubbing his throat and trying to get out the keys to his car so he could go home – alone.

"Holy shit."

"See?" Trowa said. "What did I say when we first walked into this joint? Child molesters, rapists, and drunkards all over the place that think that 'no' means 'yes' and 'get lost' means 'take me, I'm yours'."

"Well, you are obviously more knowledgeable than we pathetic mortals," Duo said.

"OBVIOUSLY. Now take my wonderful advice and let's go home, for the love of God."

"I thought you were agnostic."

"_I_ am, but _you_ aren't. Now let's get going. Hiro is starting to creep me out."

At that, Duo turned slightly red. He turned to look at Hiro, who was now in better spirits, minus the knife.

"Hey, Hiro?"

"Hmm?"

"Why did you say that I was yours?"

"Well, if you were hitting on someone, and their boyfriend/girlfriend or whatever popped up with a knife and an angry wrath, wouldja keep hitting on the person?"

"Well, no. I'd get lost, and quickly."

"Exactly."

"I could've taken care of it myself. This isn't the first time something like this has happened, y'know."

"Still, I had a knife, you didn't."

Duo pulled his own knife out of his boot, reminiscent of spy movies.

"Oh. Well damn. Either way, I just wanted to help, 'kay? Let's drop it."

"Oh... Okay."

But Duo couldn't just drop it. For some reason, it really got to him. _Hiro_ really got to him. And no longer in the 'annoying-as-hell' way he had been before. As they pushed open the door to their block, they all froze in shock.

"Welcome back, kids. Didja have fun?" Noin asked, settled comfortably on the couch.

* * *

Ooh! A cliffie. I know I'm evil. The next chapter will be slightly harder for me to write, and the one after that will be WAY harder. And then the chapter after THAT ought to come pretty easily, almost as easily as this one. The one after that probably will not come at all unless I figure out what the hell is going to happen. The last chapter will probably have just a standard difficulty level.

I'm not sure what the heck I'm going to do for chapter 7. I just don't know. Maybe I should concentrate on what's going to happen in chapters 4-6 for now. We'll see.

This is prob'ly the fastest update I've ever done. Be grateful and review like mad.


	4. Who wouldn't say so till he'd tried

Okay. I'm back, ya'll. How are you? I like to ask that, just in case someone is feeling like crap, and by some strange power, my fic update has made their lives that little bit more worth living. It doesn't happen to me, but I'd like it to. /sigh/

Speaking of which, I'm feeling a bit like crap myself. I didn't go to school today, and my head feels all gross and my stomach too, and just…eurgh.

My sis basically came up with… this entire thing. I just wrote stuff out. Dammit, why can't I come up with my own shit? And why are we made of win? It's a mystery, really it is.

DISCLAIMER: If I owned Gundam, I'd give it a more exciting name than 'Gundam'. I'd name it something funky. Maybe a Palindrome, or something. Gundamadnug. Hellz yes.

Ooh, and Quatre gets to god mode in this. You know you love it. When it gets to that part (you'll know it when you see it), we recommend listening to Damaged by Plummet. It's just a great song.

* * *

"Welcome back, kids. Didja have fun?" Noin asked, settled comfortably on the couch, the lights still turned out.

"Ms. Noin!" blurted out Quatre, clearly terrified.

Duo had a feeling that they were all in deep shit and it was all his fault.

He was right.

"Mr. Trieze would like a word with all of you, I'm sure. Out in town? Drinking, is it?"

"How did she-?" gasped Trowa.

"You smell like alcohol. Every one of you. That's funny. I seem to remember thinking that you were all really good kids with personalities that had a difficulty meshing together. Now, I'm getting the distinct feeling that I was very wrong. Duo, you seemed like a cool kid. I _liked_ you. _Everyone_ liked you. And you pull this crap the instant we turn our backs? The hell?! Quatre, Wufei, we know that you two just got dragged into this. Stay here. Duo, Hiro, and Trowa, all three of you are getting hell."

Duo felt like crying. This sucked more than life typically did. This sucked far more than being sent packing to _military school_. Military school had turned out to have some cool people in it, despite the whole 'discipline' thing they practically worshipped here.

_Jesus, I can't keep the good stuff in my life for longer than an hour, can I?_ Duo thought as he trudged along behind them all, head down in shame. Noin's scoldings had seriously hit home, and hard. _I mean, I had a good life at the orphanage. I had friends. Then I ran out by accident when a couple came in looking for a kid and got THAT taken from me. All of a sudden, new people saying they're my parents are trying to get me to cut my hair, stand up straight, do everything just as I'm told, and maybe they'll let me play with Trowa, the kid of their friend. But I have to have sweets without them knowing. I get caught, no more Trowa. Go to school. Friends with Trowa again. Pull that mannequin shit. No more Trowa, probably forever, considering he probably hated my guts for getting him caught, but still being free as a bird. Tossed in military school. Other friends tossed away, too. Everybody starts hating me, I just know it. Then I just HAVE to have some fun my first full day here, with all these people that could've been my friends. Now they ALL must hate me. It's my fault. I dragged them all along. I got us all caught. And Trowa…_

Duo looked up at Trowa, tears starting to rise up a little. Trowa was staring at his own feet, tripping occasionally. Duo choked back the tears. Trowa was going to get in horrible trouble _again_, and again, it was going to be all Duo's fault.

But what about Hiro? Was Hiro going to forgive him? Ha! Please. He had been the new kid at a school before, and remembered enough about the experience to know that, when the new kid got the veterans in trouble, the new kid was going to die. Some way or another, he was going to die, especially since they shared a room.

They were now at Trieze's office. It had seemed so placid before. Now, it seemed like an ominous cloud of imminent DEATH. Matter of fact, it probably was.

"Okay, go in. He'll speak with you." Noin held the door open for them. They all muttered their respective thanks as they passed by. There were only two chairs in front of Trieze's desk, as it was in many school principals' offices. That didn't really help Duo's mental state. A lot of sucky things and calls home had happened in the principal's office.

Not good.

Duo stood there, glancing to the side of the room where there were extra chairs, wondering if he ought to fetch one, or if he was expected to stand up the entire time. Trieze had seen the direction of his gaze.

"Don't bother," he said briskly, "you all will stand up the entire time, seeing as you clearly prefer it to, for instance, sleeping in your beds, like you're supposed to be doing at this ungodly hour."

They flinched, glancing at one another.

Treize turned fully towards Duo, his gaze piercing. "You know that we house delinquents that the state can't afford to keep at detention centers due to the frivolity of their crimes compared to that of others. You know that there are lawbreakers here, pranksters, children that were expected to make nothing of themselves, and so their parents forced them to attend. Did you, in all honesty, truly think that we wouldn't have cameras stationed _everywhere_? Because we do. We absolutely do, and as a result, we could tell that this is… incident… is due to some effort on your part?"

"Y-yes, sir."

"Then _explain yourself_."

Duo swallowed. "See, I'd seen the buildings out there when I was first being driven over this way, so I got the idea in my head that maybe…"

"I see. Now, how did you mix everyone else up in something that was… _your_ idea?"

Duo opened his mouth to answer, but instead, Hiro stepped forward and began to speak.

"Please, sir, allow me to explain. I overheard some sort of speech between Duo and Trowa at a terribly late hour."

"Is that so? Why were _you _up at such an ungodly hour, valedictorian Hiro Yui?"

Hiro had the decency to look nervous. "I have trouble sleeping most nights, sir."

"I see. Go on."

"And, er – anyway, I heard something. Duo was speaking to Trowa, and I wasn't precisely sure as to why, and I had become vaguely familiar with Duo's personality, so, I sort of thought that Duo had some brilliant scheme or something and was trying to drag Trowa into it, and then Trowa got out of bed and followed Duo, so I followed them both, and then Quatre got up because he must've heard all three of us, and then we both started trying to follow Duo and Trowa to keep them out of trouble, and then they found out that we were there, and then because we were all loud gits and had forgotten that Wufei was still asleep, he woke up and got dragged into it all, too."

"… That was all one sentence."

"I am well aware of that, sir."

Treize sat back in his chair, his gaze switching to Trowa. "So, young man, according to testimony, you were an unfortunate victim. Go back to your block."

"But, sir, what about – " Trowa's eyes were locked on Duo, firm worry wedged into them.

"Go back to your block," Treize repeated icily.

Trowa obeyed, looking like he wanted to cry just a little.

"Duo, is what Hiro related true?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then he was also just a victim of your poor conduct?"

Hiro was looking more alarmed by the second. His head snapped to look at Duo. Duo looked at him as well. Hiro shook his head quickly. Duo swallowed and turned back to Treize.

"It's true, sir."

Panic swarmed over Hiro's face. He mouthed 'no', then clamped his lips tightly together.

"Then, the solution is clear. You see, Duo, this is _military school_. Not your normal school, and surely not a playground. We have VERY strict codes, and stricter punishment. If you had been a perfectly good child, you would be able to keep things according to your preferences. Unfortunately, you have defied our strict code, so your privileges must be taken away. You must meet every ounce of protocol we have here. And that doesn't even include your punishment." Duo was very pale as Treize pressed a button on a small microphone on his desk. "Please send Tubaroff in, please."

The door slammed and in entered… the _ugliest_ fucking man Duo had seen in his life. His nose, his hairdo, if you really wanted to call that abomination a hairdo, his face in general. All attributed to the most twisted face Duo had ever seen.

All he could do was utter stupidly, "Quasimodo?!"

The man, Tubaroff, grasped the front of Duo's shirt and yanked him roughly upward. "Listen, you little shit. I may not be as fucking pretty as the faggot in front of my face that just called me a rude name, but I sure as hell ain't no fuckin' 'Quasimodo'. You got that? Now, I'm guessing that you're the one I'm supposed to… discipline?" Tubaroff glanced up at Treize. Treize nodded solemnly and Tubaroff grinned cruelly.

Hiro gasped. "But – sir! You can't just-"

"I can and I have, Yui. Do you openly protest?"

"But he only-"

"Restrain him."

Suddenly there were other personnel there, grabbing Hiro's arms and pushing them behind his spine. Hiro shuddered, doing what he could to throw them off. He wasn't a valedictorian for nothing. Of course, these people hadn't been employed here for nothing, either. They renewed their grip every time Hiro was close to being free.

Tubaroff had begun dragging Duo from the room. Duo wasn't exactly a force to be reckoned with, but he sure as hell could be annoying when he used street tricks. As Tubaroff tried to grasp his knee that had been mercilessly kicked from the behind, Duo attempted running for it. Apparently, Tubaroff was not only the ugliest man alive, but the fastest as well. He grabbed Duo's ankle. Duo let out a short yelp as he fell onto the floor. He hissed in pain, clutching the wrist that he had used to break his fall.

"Duo!" Hiro renewed his efforts to get these bastards to realize that holding onto him was pointless.

Tubaroff grinned like the maniac he, in all likelihood, was and walked over to Duo's form. He drew his left foot back and kicked Duo hard in the stomach. A strangled scream flew from the boy's mouth, as though he hadn't intended to make a sound, no matter how much pain he would be in. His appointed torturer leaned forward and grabbed his long braid, yanking him up partway. Duo's face tightened as his uninjured right hand attempted to nurse three sources of pain at once.

Tubaroff began dragging Duo into the door across the hall. Hiro had never been in there, but the fact that Duo was being taken there made it dreadfully forbidding in ways that one wouldn't expect just a bit of wood to be. Tubaroff paused for a second, turning to look at Hiro, eyes gleaming. Hiro struggled harder, suddenly having an intense hatred for the man that strongly required his death in the next three-point-two seconds. He grinned at Hiro, showing disgusting, crooked teeth.

"Y'know what? Bring Shithead Number Two in here, too. Let's see how he likes seeing his boyfriend punished."

For some odd reason, Hiro didn't feel much like protesting the 'boyfriend' label.

* * *

Duo had been mercilessly destroyed in the last 20 minutes. He had been beaten to within an inch of his life. Only his face remained untouched.

"Y'know, Duo or whatever-the-hell-your-name-is, I've been working with little shits like you for more than _ten years_, and somehow I've always managed to turn out, if not decent citizens, at least ones I don't want to shoot on sight. But there are _always_ kids that fuck up big-time and get handed over to me. Now why is it that you assholes all keep doing your little thing? Is it that you people _can't_ learn?" Duo's arm was twisted harshly in its socket. "Or that you _won't_?" Duo tried to curl up into a ball as another kick was aimed at his ribs.

Tubaroff laughed nastily and yanked Duo's head towards him by the braid.

"You told Treize the truth. Pity. You could've lied. Your friends, from the looks of things, would've stuck up for you." His eyes flicked over to Hiro, restrained in the far corner of the room, looking haggard and desperate, but no longer struggling, as his strength had worn out a good 5 minutes ago. "They really like you, for reasons I just don't get. Didja think that if you told the truth like a good boy, they would've let you off the hook? It might work that way in regular schools. But here? Nah. Here, telling the truth will just cement your punishment. Telling lies might just get you out of a tight bind if there are others willing to help your lie along. Did you see that Treize always asks someone to verify a testimony before passing judgment? Yeah. You see, kid…" Tubaroff tugged Duo's face up painfully close to his own by the braid, picking up a large knife sitting on a table with the other hand, "telling the truth never got anyone anywhere." He said those final words at almost a whisper, then swung the knife around, cutting straight through Duo's braid.

Duo fell to the floor, motionless. His long, beautiful hair was now several feet away from his body, lying there, just as dead-looking as he. Hiro shuddered. He had thought that Duo looked beautiful. His hair had been so lovely, kind of like a girl's, but so much more amazing. It had looked so soft. It had been what made Duo… Duo. He just wasn't himself without the braid. Just a sad-looking individual. But he still… he still needed someone. He needed someone to be there, and damned if Hiro wasn't the closest one.

Tubaroff moved to leave, signaling to the other staff that it was time to go. They let Hiro fall and followed like robots. Hiro forgot all about Tubaroff. He would get his later; karma was funny that way. Now Hiro was only thinking about Duo.

He half-crawled, half-jumped over to Duo's still form. He wasn't totally sure what his body was doing, but whatever it was, his body seemed to know what it was doing, so Hiro let it have free reign. Apparently, 'free reign' now entailed taking Duo's body in his arms and holding him very close, completely tossing their personal bubbles out the window, and perhaps crying just a teensy bit.

Hiro felt… strange. Like his heart would either beat twenty times faster or become so light that it would flutter right up through his head and away into the sky. He felt like his entire upper half was made of pure light, from his shoulders to his head. It was hard to think like that, but hugging didn't really require that much brainpower in the first place.

It would've been so easy to stay there, with Duo, forever.

So easy.

But easy is not the way life works.

Hiro saw something strange.

Duo was beginning to glow. He was also getting lighter and lighter to support. It seemed like… and it was. Duo was slowing beginning to float into the air. His body lifted and rose out of Hiro's arms and straightened out until he floated, horizontal, at eye level. Golden light began flashing and fluctuating all around him, making his torn clothing and what was left of his hair flutter anxiously in nonexistent wind. The light was pouring from Duo's fingers, his toes, his nose, eyes, mouth, ears. Wounds and scratches healed in front of Hiro's very eyes, but that was not the extent of the light's amazing powers.

With a resounding _whoosh_, Duo's hair extended far beyond what it had originally been. It glowed that gorgeous, feminine chestnut and twisted around his baby face and cascaded up and over his shoulders. It flipped around it the wind and looked so soft and sweet that Hiro forgot to breathe.

The light was fading and Duo was coming back down to earth again. But Hiro couldn't exactly just let that happen. That just wasn't the way things were supposed to be. His arms automatically came up, catching Duo and his lustrous renewed locks. The now-sleeping boy rested peacefully in Hiro's arms, sighing quietly and turning his face into his shirt. Hiro blushed bright red, and he didn't give a shit that the entire last scene of _Beauty and the Beast_ had just been re-enacted in front of his face.

He could have looked at Duo's uke-tastic face forever and ever…

But Hiro saw something strange again. From the upper left corner of the room, a small, shiny thing was appearing. It was a little sparkly, but Hiro's internal description would never reach the ears of his friends. It seemed to be growing in size, so maybe now he could tell what the hell that thing was…

Oh, for the love of…

It looked like a massive pink bubble. It was landing on the floor just in front of Hiro and Duo, still growing.

Apparently, the staff had finally realized that something weird was going on in the room. They rushed in, Tubaroff included, just as the bubble broke open with a quiet _pop_.

There stood something that would mentally scar Hiro forever.

It was Quatre.

In a magical girl outfit.

In Quatre's defense, it was a very nice magical girl outfit. The top was made mostly of black lace, which exposed his smooth stomach, and a bit of a silver collar that extended to his shoulders, where long, draping silver sleeves held in place by black belts reached the tips of his fingers. The sailor-esque hat was quite adorable and poufy, with a tassel at the end of a string of beads off of one side. The skirt was big and swishy, but seemingly made of some very sheer fabric that made just layered about 5 times. The boots very actually quite adorable too. They reminded Hiro of Sailor Moon. The luminescent fairy wings and scythe-like magic wand/staff added to the image. He was… quite pretty, for lack of a better adjective.

"What… the hell." Tubaroff gaped, rather stunned that there were _two _people in the world that girly in their looks, the other being Duo.

Quatre didn't seem to notice Tubaroff or his men. In fact, he seemed to be focused totally on Hiro and Duo.

"Are you both alright?"

"Quatre? What the hell are you wearing? Not that it looks _bad_ on you, just…"

"Who is this 'Quatre'? I'm Duo's magical girl fairy godmother! And for now…" Quatre – er, Duo's godmother – turned to the men at the door, having actually noticed their presence. "For now, you two should go. Things could get pretty ugly – Teehee!"

The staff was raised high above his head, his body twisting into a cutesy pose, despite the angry face.

"You all are in charge of the well-being and betterment of troubled young boys! You are the figures to whom they should look up to in admiration, not have their eyes cast down in fear! You have abused your power, you have abused your status, and you have abused Duo! I cannot forgive you! I _will_ not forgive you!" Quatre's arms twisted around his staff in the air still, striking a new pose.

And with that, all hell broke lose.

Quatre's form flickered and vanished. He reappeared behind a staff member, ramming the staff into his spine. He let out a pained cry, but Quatre wasn't finished. An electric jolt shocked the man to a blackened heap of charred flesh and clothing.

Quatre targeted the two women nearby next. He swung the scythe edge of his staff through their hearts. Ice crept out through their skin, encasing them in large ice blocks.

The systematic destruction continued without pause. Tubaroff just stood there, terrified of the boy with light blonde hair and lovely, lacey, sliver-and-black clothing. With the tassel on the hat.

Finally Tubaroff was the only one left. Quatre stood before him, glaring angrily still. He was not even breathing more quickly than he had been at the start.

"You are the last. Do you express remorse for your actions?"

Tubaroff just stood there, terrified too much to even say a word.

"Then, in the name of Justice, begin your journey to Hell! May your soul be cleansed."

The staff was raised again, and glowing sliver light filled the room, spinning around the staff and slowly changing its form. Spirals of light were drawn off from it. They coagulated and condensed into a single, quickly rotating ball of blinding light.

The lights all burst apart to reveal a tiny faerie, no bigger than a breadbox. To Hiro's shock and vague disgust, it was –

"Wufei?!"

And so it was. Wufei, in tiny chibi version, cars ears, tail, and all. Small steel katanas were in his hands. The tail, to Hiro's eternal shame and embarrassment for his friend, was adorned with a silky bow.

"Mini-Justice-Fairy! Let us wreak hell upon this sad soul!"

Wufei nodded and turned ominously to Tubaroff. They leapt at him in the same instant.

Hiro had a difficult time avoiding the blood spatters.

The third strange thing popped out from the wall.

A grand circus pony, in frills and ribbons, galloped up in front of Hiro and the (still sleeping) Duo.

"Hello. My name is Trowa. Quickly, get on my back and I'll take you to safety."

And so, Duo and Hiro rode off into the sunset of Trowa the circus horse, leaving Quatre and Wufei the Fairy Protectors of the Universe to their bloody bliss.

* * *

"Oh, my head."

"No shit, Sherlock. You passed out last night at the bar. We had a hell of a time getting you home without getting caught."

"Duo?"

"Yeah, Hiro. Who'dja think it was?"

Hiro sat up groggily, trying to figure out why it was so odd to be hearing Duo's voice. "Sorry. Guess I wasn't all the way awake."

"Well, it's not quite daylight yet. At least you got a little sleep before tomorrow's classes."

"Yeah." Hiro settled back down. "I think… I had a really weird fucking dream."

"Did you now?"

"Yeah. Quatre was in a magical girl outfit."

Duo coughed and choked a little on his own spit. "Holy shit…" he muttered.

"I know. It was scarier in the dream."

"That's not it. It's just… I've seen a picture of Quatre in a magical girl outfit before."

"Eh?! Where?"

"Ahem, er… that's a secret. I promised not to tell, so I s'pose you'll just have to figure it out all by yourself. In light of that slightly disturbing memory, I'll be going to sleep. See you in the morning."

"Okay."

"'Night."

"'Night."

"Hey, Duo?"

"…"

"Duo?"

"What?!"

"Can I touch your hair?"

"… What?"

"Can I?"

"… Fine. But if it keeps me from sleeping, you're dead."

"Okay, that's fair."

"Good night."

"G'night."

* * *

I HAD SO MUCH FUN WRITING THIS.

SO.

MUCH.

FUN.

NOW REVIEW.

CAPS LOCK IS PRETTY FUN TOO.


	5. So he buckled right in

Wow, it's been a while since I've written something for this fic. I really regret it, because the stuff I wrote for this was so utterly beautiful. I just got finished rereading the previous chapter, and it is fabulous on a whole new level. I had forgotten half the shit that happened in there, y'know?

BUT NOW. Now I shall change that. Now I shall finish another chapter, then get to writing the next chapter _after_ this one. Now, that one will be pretty easy to write, but sadly, I don't know what to do for this one. Well, maybe something will come to me.

DISCLAIMER: If I owned Gundam, I would own Duo. 'Nuff said. (Sadistic chuckle)

* * *

Hiro's alarm clock was loud and annoying, especially at the hour of four thirty in the morning. To Hiro, who was used to it, it was a symbol of his oppression. To Duo, who was not, it was a target. Either way, it did its job and was sufficiently annoying enough to wake the both of them.

"Jesus _Christ_, is it as early as I think it is?" Duo asked.

"Oh, probably."

"EEEHH?! Dude, look at the clock!"

"Huh?" Hiro managed to yank his head up a little in order to look at it. "Four thirty. So what?"

"We're only required to wake up, like… later. We could've slept in, man! Just a little! For the love of God, it's still dark outside. It's disgusting."

" Well, might as well get up now."

"You're insane."

"I'm valedictorian."

"Really, now? Does that mean that if I get up at ungodly hours like this one, I'll get good grades, too?" Duo was putting on the cutesy goodie-two-shoes voice.

Hiro sighed. "No, Duo, it means that I'm more disciplined than you and it hasn't hurt me yet to wake up early."

"Yeesh, you don't have to be so patronizing about the whole damn thing…"

"Whatever."

Hiro started putting on clothing suitable for the public. It did not escape his attention that he had different boxers on than he'd had on when they had gone out last night. Considering how drunk he probably had been and how hung over he felt now, he'd probably had a fever last night. Someone had just been considerate enough to change his clothing for him so that he didn't get a chill. Of course, that didn't make it any less weird that someone had taken it upon themselves to strip him naked and root through his piles of clothing for new boxers, and then tuck him into bed. Just to see his troubled face, Hiro considered asking Duo if he'd been the one to do that. It was likely, given evidence. It was Duo's personality that didn't fit in with it.

"Hey, Hiro?"

"Huh? What?"

"You said you had a weird dream last night, right?"

"Something like that, yes."

"And that Quat was in a magical girl outfit, correct?"

"Indeed."

"Describe the dress."

"…_What?_"

"Describe the dress."

Hiro was at a loss for words. It wasn't every day that guys wanted to hear about what strange, fetish-y type things happened in other guy's dreams. Was Duo blushing? It looked like it. Could it be… could it be that it had nothing to do with getting information on Hiro's dream, but something to do with imaging exactly what Quatre looked like in those types of clothes…? Might it be that Duo liked Quatre? That Duo had… tendencies?

"I, uh, don't really remember the details too well. It was just a dream, after all."

"Oh…" Duo looked and sounded very put out.

"Well, the top was made of black lace that showed a lot of stomach. The sleeves were very long and silvery. They draped a lot and had black belts attached. The skirt flared out quite a bit and was very sheer, but layered a billion times over…"

Hiro had Duo's rapt attention.

"I thought you said you didn't remember the details?"

"I still can't remember all of it. I know he had boots and a hat and a scythe, but I can't recall precisely what they looked like."

"So… what exactly was Quat doing in this dream?"

"Kicking ass."

"Godmoding?"

"What?"

"Godmoding. It basically means being infallible in all ways and as powerful as a god in that respect. It refers to video games, where you could play on God mode and avoid damage no matter what. It was a good way for beginners to learn the ways of the game without dying instantaneously."

"Oh. In that case, Quatre was most definitely Godmoding in my dream."

"How so?"

"He and Wufei-the-tiny-fairy-with-katanas systematically destroyed the staff of this facility."

"Any particular reason, or just a killing spree for the fun of it?" Duo asked, thoroughly enjoying himself.

"Somehow, both. He was protecting… er, someone… and took out all of his oppressors. It was a little terrifying. I'll never look at Quatre the same way again."

Duo smiled. "So, do you remember who it was that Quat slaughtered the entire staff for?"

"You ended a sentence with a preposition."

"That didn't answer my question," sang Duo. Hiro blushed slightly.

"You know something," accused Hiro.

"I _might_, the same way you _might_ talk pretty loudly in your sleep."

Hiro paled. "Either way, it's time to get ready to go get to classes."

* * *

"All right, missies, we're going to have a test at the end of the week on this stuff. It should be an easy grade – after all, it's just an obstacle course. New guy, unfortunately for you, you haven't been here the last half of the grading period, nor have you probably had this type of training before, so yeah, you're probably screwed."

Duo paled. Professor Un, oddly enough, was the terror of the physical department. An obstacle course that seemed easy to her probably involved alligators, rabid dogs, and maybe a minefield or two. While Hiro could do this sort of thing in his sleep, Duo was city-bred. There were the occasional rabid dogs, and maybe the DMV was _like_ a minefield, but it really didn't compare.

"Dismissed. Oh, and new kid? You're rooming with Mister Yui, right?"

"Er, yes…?"

"Don't stutter in my presence. I'm just saying, if I were a new kid and rooming with the most talented valedictorian this facility has seen in over a decade, I'd take advantage of him and his experience?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Damn straight. Now get out of my sight."

"Yes, ma'am."

They hurried out, determined to put as much distance between them and her as physically possible. Duo, uncharacteristically, was quiet and pensive.

Hiro sighed, having already figured out what Duo was going to ask next.

"Hey, um, Hiro-?"

"Fine."

"…Eh?"

"You were going to ask if you could take Un's advice, right?"

"Well, kinda-"

"And I said 'fine'."

"Oh. Sweet."

* * *

"It hurts," breathed Duo.

"You get used to it. It may be hard to stand or walk or sit for a while."

"Seriously? So how is this supposed to help me if my ass hurts like a mother?"

"Because you have to be limber and flexible."

"And here I thought that it was all about strength and force…"

"Not so. I thought the same thing until someone taught me differently."

"Who taught you?"

"Treize."

"No shit? There's no way that Treize can do _that._ I mean, he's old."

"He's not that old, really."

"Clearly, if he's doing stuff like this…"

Duo was learning to do the splits. It proved to be pretty hard at first, but after a while in the same position, it got less and less painful. It was the getting up part that was turning to be the hardest. Duo's butt hurt so much that it hurt to even slightly rotate his hips. Nothing even slightly euphemism-istic (Yeah, I made up a new word. Deal with it) about that.

"So Un makes you do the splits for her tests?"

"No."

"Then why am I learning this?" Duo asked.

"Because more often that not, the splits are the only way out of some of the traps that she sets up. It's…a singular experience," Hiro said, shivering from his own dark memories.

"Such as?"

"I'd rather not say," muttered Hiro.

Duo looked perturbed. Hiro wasn't scared of much, and the fact that he was scared of Un's 'easy' tests scared the crap out of him.

Duo thought of something. "Hey. I just realized, Un calls all of the guys in the class 'girlies' or 'mistresses' or 'missies' except for us. She calls you 'mister' and I'm just some random, generic guy term. Why are we the only ones?"

Hiro sighed. "Simple. She thinks that all males are sissies except for me because I'm valedictorian. She has respect for me."

"And me?"

"For you…" Hiro paused. "For you, you look unusually like a woman, so she calls you a guy for irony."

Duo chuckled a little. "What a warped compliment."

"I know. Now I get ask something."

"You do?"

"Yes. Equivalent exchange. I gave you an answer, now you get to give me one."

"Shoot. No promises, though."

"Fair enough. I just wanted to ask… why did you let your hair grow to the length it is now? Honestly, you get jibes everywhere about it; I can see it plainly. Why?"

"Do you have a fixation with my hair or something? Do you have a hair fetish?"

"No. But please answer my question."

"Well… I guess it's because… I liked being different. Plus, it helped me identify my friends and my enemies right off the bat."

That confused Hiro. "It did?"

"Well, sure. My enemies would jump me the instant they saw me, yelling crap about the verse in the Bible that says that man shalt not look like woman. My friends are the ones who will jump up to kick the other's asses. Instant division."

"Interesting."

"Isn't it? I also get scathing looks from homophobes."

"You're gay?" Hiro tried to sound like his normal, fairly indifferent self, but it didn't seem to be working.

"No. Bi, actually. For homophobes, either you're totally straight or you're the enemy," Duo said. "You're looking a little uncomfortable. You're not one of them, are you?"

"No," Hiro's face twitched in what might have been distaste.

"Oh, good."

Hiro tried to think normally, and not about Duo being indifferent to the gender of his partner. "The splits are important, but your knees are what get the worst punishment in her tests, so there's a certain exercise you have to do perfectly, otherwise it will wear down the cartilage in your knee, thereby making it so you get arthritis at a much younger age than is normal…"

Quatre sat outside the door, Trowa by his side. Neither breathed much, but there were times when not laughing was very hard.

"I think Hiro's getting a clue," whispered Quatre as they were walking back to their shared room.

"Ah, but do we dare to dream…?" Trowa mused.

"Oddly enough, it seems that the one who isn't getting a clue right now is… Duo. How strange."

"I think I must agree. Our friends are most thick in the head," said Wufei, coming out of his own room.

"Wufei? Do mine ears deceive me?" Trowa grinned. "It would seem that you are concerned for our friend's gay adventures or lack thereof."

"Oh, shut up. I'm just worried that Yui is going to get that warrior's heart of his broken."

"I knew you cared, " Quatre smiled. "Hey, we're going to plot nefarious things in our room. We extend an invitation to you."

"I humbly accept. Am I correct in assuming that these nefarious things have something to do with the relationship of Yui and Maxwell?"

"Did you ever doubt?"

"Not for an instant," Wufei grinned. "You know, just for the hell of it, we should talk like this when they get out of there; it'll weird them out."

"Agreed."

They walked into Trowa and Quatre's room, closing the door firmly and making sure that it was locked.

"So," said Wufei. "I'm leaning toward this nefariousness happening during this obstacle test course that Un has planned for tomorrow. There are all sorts of traps that could be… fiddled around with."

"But a way to make sure that no other students encounter the same traps?" Trowa asked.

"That can be arranged. After all, if we can sneak out of this place, go to a bar, and come back without being detected _and_ dragging Yui's drunk ass with us at the same time, we can pull this off. Now, I'm just going to need to get a hold of a map of the area where the test course is going to be – if we're going to lead the other kids on a different path, we need a way to make it look like they went the same way as everyone else…"

Quatre was looking for a piece of paper on which to write all of their wondrous ideas. He knew from experience that it was very easy to forget a good idea. In his searching, he came across a textbook. There seemed to be a piece of paper sticking out from underneath. Quatre leaned forward and shoved aside the book. The paper was not as blank and clean for writing as he had hoped.

"Trowa?"

"Hmm?"

"What is this and why am I in a skirt?"

* * *

FTW.


	6. With a trace of a grin

I've been unusually dedicated today. I mean, I typed up an entire chapter in very little time, got some stuff done around the house, etcetera. And now look at me, starting up a whole new chapter. I'm so proud of myself. Of course, that could just be because I want to get to the chapter I REALLY want to write.

DISCLAIMER: Disclaimer, huh? Fuck that. You people had best know by now the extent of what I own. Come on, I'm a _writer_. Like I'm going to have a penny, let alone the rights to a world-renowned series, to my name.

* * *

"Okay, is every last Persephone here?" Une shouted at the top of her sizable lungs.

"Yes, ma'am," everyone replied, ignoring the slight on their gender.

Duo was sweating already. This was nothing short of terrifying. After all, just reflecting on some of Une's more drastic ideas for test grades had freaked out Hiro the Immovable. The Unflappable. The Hard Place. If Hiro was concerned, the by all means, Duo ought to be having a heart attack right now. Of course, with the way he was feeling just now, the idea didn't seem so out of Duo's way.

Duo surveyed the obstacle course. There wasn't much to observe. The entire area was smothered by thick vegetation, which made it infinitely harder to tell what you were up against in the first place. It was disconcerting. But there was Hiro, right nearby. And there were Quat and Tro and Wuffers, all off to the side. _They must be here to cheer me on or something,_ Duo thought. _How nice of them._

He was only half right.

"Okay, so is your part all in place?" asked Quatre, verifying the situation.

"Mine is. No faults. I checked and re-checked it a total of seven times, sir."

"Mine is as well. No obvious issues other than that of getting my hands on the necessary materials. Vegetation also proved to be a little difficult. However, all obstacles have been removed."

"Good," said Quatre. "Then all is in place. The students have been informed of the alternate route they will be taking. That is, all but the oblivious two…"

"Good," said Wufei.

"Fabulous," said Trowa.

"And thus, the mission commences."

* * *

"GO! And be at the finish line in no more than five minutes!"

All the students took off, knowing that these were going to be the worst five minutes of their lives.

"Hiro? Do you know what direction we're supposed to be heading? They're all going a different direction than we were told to go… are we supposed to follow them?"

"No," Hiro said in a surprisingly normal voice for someone running. "All of them got it wrong. We're the only ones who are doing it right, not the only ones screwing up."

"Oh… still, isn't it a little weird that ALL of them would be going the wrong direction?" asked Duo.

"Now that you mention it…"

"See?" Duo scanned the area in front of him. It seemed that right now they were going through a very easy portion of the test: the normal don't-trip-over-the-little-metal-wires thing. It was a bit harder with all of the plant life, but Duo had good eyes and saw every single one. It was far too early to think that he might live, though.

"The traps so far seem pretty low-scale…" muttered Hiro.

"I kn-" Duo never got the chance to finish. The forest floor gave out beneath them. Duo squeaked but didn't scream. Hiro had noticed the pit was there, of course, but had been trying to tell Duo of the danger. His plan did not go as planned, so –

-here they were, in a spike pit, with everyone else traveling down a completely different path. Thus, the chance of a saviour was pretty damn low.

"I'm really sorry, I didn't see it coming…" Duo said.

"It's fine. At least you lasted as long as you did. Few new kids actually last out to the more dangerous traps."

"But this one isn't even really that dangerous. Look how far apart the spikes are. We wouldn't have gotten hurt much even if we'd flailed around like morons."

"True," said Hiro. He looked around, a perplexed look on his face. "There's no way…"

"No way what?"

"It looks like an amateur set this trap."

"Care to tell me why you think that?"

Hiro scraped a spike with a fingernail. A little bit of some black colouring agent came off. "I say that because these spikes are not made from any kind of metal, as Une is wont to do."

"Then what _are _they made out of?"

"Sugar and boot black."

"…...wtf? How is that even possible?"

"Simple. They take sugar, stick it in a bowl, pour in boot black, mix it in a bowl before it dries, and then pour it into a mold or mold it manually as the boot black dries."

"…Why do I get the impression that you've done this sort of thing before?" Duo asked, face-palming.

"I… may've done something similar… but I'd had more spikes set up at the time…" Hiro blushed slightly. Duo looked a little disturbed.

"So you're saying that the one who set this trap is not Prof. Une?"

"Essentially."

"So then, who did?"

"If I had to bet on one, I'd say someone who can get information out quickly and get people to listen with little or no effort… after all, we were only told about the test recently, and for absolutely everyone to avoid this place where a student-made trap was set up but us? We weren't told for a reason – you and I were obviously the targets. And around this place, the only way for someone to get information out amongst the masses is to be a good-looking person – if you're not the prettiest person or the strongest, people tend not to listen to you here. However, this pit had to be dug, the spikes made, the information spread, and accurately… this was no one-man job. As a matter of fact, I'd bet that it was a group of three or more people, one of whom was a very good-looking person…"

Duo stared at him.

"There's no way you figured all of that stuff out without actually figuring out who the culprits are."

"Oh, I know who is responsible for this, and are they going to get an earful when we get out of here. I can't believe that they would waste their time doing something as fruitless and foolish as this…"

"But why? I mean, even Tro' must've been in on it, according to what you're saying. Why would he want to trap me – okay, that was a stupid question, but why would he want to trap you _with _me, of all people?"

"We can ask as soon as we get out of here." Hiro righted himself and began patting the packed dirt around him.

"Any particular reason you're doing that?"

_Any particular reason I'm not doing you?_ "I'm looking for Uneven places where roots may be. With any luck, there'll be a few for hand- and footholds."

"Oh, okay. I get it. I'll help; I've got this half of the hole." Duo stood up, too, running sensitive fingers over the higher sections of the dirt.

"I think I've found about four," Hiro said a few minutes later.

"There are maybe two on this side, but I probably missed a few along the way."

Hiro turned. "Where are these two?"

"Not over there, that's for sure. Over here, to the left."

"Here?"

Duo sighed. "No, your other left. I'm kind of getting the feeling that I need to show you." Acting on the threat, Duo grabbed Hiro's hand and brought it up to the root he had found. Hiro was so affected by the contact that he'd clean forgotten what he was supposed to be feeling around for. "Hiro?"

"Huh?"

"So, is it firm enough? Would it hold your weight?"

Hiro tried to claw back his consciousness. It was proving harder than expected. "I think… it might. None of mine were particularly strong, nor were they anchored as this one is."

"Awesome. So there's a way out of here after all."

"Possibly. Where's the other root?"

"Down there." Duo motioned to it. "Or do you need me to show you again?"

Hiro flushed. "No, I'm fine; I see it." He reached down, tugging slightly on the root, pulling it up and down and side to side, trying to ignore the feeling of Duo's body just a bit behind him. Oh, yeah. Those three would definitely get an earful when they were out of there.

"It'll do fine. It's far more firmly set than the one higher up; there must be a tree on this side of the hole. We need it to be so because it's so low that we can only use it for a foothold."

"Okay, so are we leaving or not?"

"I think I should go first."

"…Why?"

"Because I believe that I weigh more than you. If it holds me, it'll hold you with no problem."

"Either that, or it would've held me and not you, therefore, if you go first, then it would break, condemning someone else who could've been saved in the first place. On the other hand, if that situation is the case and I go first, then I can still find another way to get you out. All scenarios in mind, it's more sensible if I go fir- HEY! Wait Until I'm done talking, you shmuck!"

Hiro had already begun climbing the root, completely disregarding Duo's long, thought-out speech. Within three seconds, he was up and out of the hole.

"Care for a hand?"

Duo glared at the hand being offered, but decided that it was preferable to a pit of spikes. He grabbed on, blushing for reasons he didn't quite understand.

Hiro yanked upward, still as surprised as ever at how light Duo was. It was as if he didn't eat. But when the boy's face came into the light, Hiro's breath half-caught in his throat. Duo… was blushing. He was ridiculously cute, more so than Hiro had ever really seen him be before.

"Well… um, thanks for helping me up."

Hiro, on a whim, wrapped an arm around Duo's waist, pulling him up into a kiss.

Duo's eyes widened. He had never actually been kissed before. Sure, people had _tried_, but no one had ever actually succeeded. That being said, he really hadn't the slightest idea what a person was supposed to do whilst kissing. _Wait…is that really my primary concern? Shouldn't I be more concerned that my roommate is currently licking the inside of my – hello! Oh my, so that's what you're supposed to do…I'm not sure I can do that. Oh, the hell with it._

Hiro was actually a little surprised that Duo hadn't pushed him away yet. No, he was actually completely surprised. He had been terrified, as people traditionally are when they just wing it and kiss their friends/roommates. He had thought for certain that either Duo would run away or push him anew into the pit, then run away. It wouldn't have been a big surprise. This was. And was Duo… pushing _back_?

They broke apart for air, staring at each other.

"Y'know, traditionally, people wait until they know each other really well before they… you know."

"I know. D'you think that we move _too _fast?"

"Eh. Not really. I mean, you started it, and I liked it, so I don't there's anything fast about that."

"You're unusually blunt, aren't you?"

"That's what people tell me."

"Want to get out of here?"

"Excellent plan."

"And you know something?"

"What?"

"I don't think that I'll yell as much at the guys when we get back."

* * *

"Yui! Maxwell! You two finished at almost last! This in inexcusable, even for a new kid! And Mr. Top Student, you can almost consider that revoked – hey! You are supposed to listen _intently _when being yelled at by a superior!"

They were a bit busy trying to skootch the chairs as close together as possible.

"AT LEAST COWER IN FEAR!!"

"Huh? What?"

"I missed it."

Une slapped her own forehead. "Why do I even try?"

* * *

The door closed behind them quietly as they walked back into Block 23.

"Hm?"

"Are they back?"

"Already?"

"Well, you know Yui…"

The whispering voices weren't as quiet as the whisperers would've liked to think. Duo chuckled a little and found a place to sit down.

"You think it's safe to talk to them just yet?"

Duo cleared his throat and whispered loudly, "Sure it is. I mean, how mad could they be?"

"Well, knowing Yui… I wouldn't expect Duo to be half so angry as… oh shit."

"Yeah," Duo said, no longer whispering.

"Don't worry too much," Hiro said, "I'll hold off on killing you until I know whose idea this was."

All three came out of hiding, two of them looking vaguely nervous and guilty.

"Wufei, at least _try _to look like a kicked puppy."

"But this _is_ my kicked puppy face; can't you tell?"

Hiro and Duo exchanged looks. "Okay guys, let's all just sit down and figure out why exactly you three dug a pit, put spikes in it, and told everyone but us to avoid it."

Quatre sighed and began to speak. "It was all my idea – er, at least to an extent. See, we all sort of… got it into our heads that you two needed… bonding time. We figured that you guys could be good friends once we got you to open up to each other."

Trowa and Wufei smiled slightly at Quatre's revamp of the true story, attempting to look innocent as a summer sky. "So, we came up with ideas together. We eventually picked the one with the highest success possibility and went with it. I told everyone else that there was a shortcut around a different way. They all listened, of course. I told Wufei to dig the pit and got Trowa to shape the spikes, seeing as he's the…_ artistic_ one of the group." Quatre sent a pointed look to Trowa. Duo had a comprehensive look on his face that confused Hiro.

"So. Are you mad?"

Duo turned to look at Hiro. "You think we ought to forgive them?"

"Well, I don't hate you, so I suppose there are worse people to be stranded in a hole with," Hiro said seriously.

"I was thinking the same thing. And you know, at first I thought you were a total weirdo – seriously, who just randomly blows an island? – but now I think you're actually not half bad."

"Thank you for the compliment."

"You are most welcome."

They walked off to their room, leaving the other three with gaping jaws.

"Did... did you see what I did?" asked Trowa. "They were so friendly."

"But were they as friendly as we thought they would be?" Quatre muttered.

Wufei sighed. "Frankly, I think we've meddled in their lives enough. After all, it was just an experiment, and they are human. You can't force love on people."

"Are you mad?" Quatre said. "Of course you can! Just look at you and Sally!"

"Who – who told you about that?!"

"Sally."

"Damn woman."

"We know you love her, now stop being a prat."

"I take offense-"

"SHH! I hear something."

They crowded around the door to Duo and Hiro's room, which was firmly locked. Wufei's eyes grew wide. Trowa lowered his gaze and blushed. Quatre had the self-satisfied smile of a pimp with the knowledge of a job well done… or something like that.

* * *

My sister needs to stop putting things in her nose. She's 17, honestly…

Now REVIEW.

Also, I lose.


End file.
